Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol!

 You drank fine wine from the blood of grapes.

-Deuteronomy 32:14

            Wine is not all that good. At best, it taste like acetone. But I have to admit drinking wine makes a person look classy. My only reason for even trying to drink wine was based on my slight obsession, borderline idolatry, with C.S. Lewis.

            C.S. Lewis is basically my moral compass; he did it, therefore, I can do it—idolatry. I honestly don’t like alcohol. Thus, I don’t have the need to use the whole “Jesus drank wine” to justify an abnormal intake of alcoholic beverages*, but I still wanted to try to like wine. After all, if Jesus and C.S. Lewis both drank wine, then there must be something to it.

            Conclusion: There is nothing to it.

            I went to Basaam and had a glass (tiny, like I mean tiny; kid size) of what they called “dessert” (this term is used loosely in the wine world) wine. The woman was kind enough to let me taste it a little before having a glass. The small taste was good. But, just like sin, the wine only tasted good for a little bit and then it was just nasty.

            My dreams of liking wine died.

            People are lying about things being good when they add the phrase “it’s an acquired taste.” The phrase, in my opinion, is entirely condescending. It is basically, [read the following in an old southern woman accent), “Oh child, this here, is only enjoyable to someone who has drunk it for years. You don’t get it now, but you’ll get it soon.”

            “Acquired taste” really means: After days, months, years of torturing myself to drink this, I have finally trained myself to think that this taste/experience is enjoyable. Kind of like an assassin learning not feel bad about all the people he has killed. The assassin has acquired the taste for killing.

            My feelings for wine, and all alcoholic beverages are the same for coffee.

            I mean, one can cover poop with as many substances that one likes, but it will still be poop.

            Coffee tastes good with tons of creamer and sugar, basically creamer and sugar taste good, but we add coffee to feel better about our consumption of such unhealthy things.

            All drinks taste better without the alcohol in them.

            Thus, to grapes everywhere, I am sorry that your juices are fermented.

            And I arrive at the same conclusion as my friend Hallie, adults just  pretend wine tastes good.

            Therefore, if your drank taste bitter, then blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol!

*Jesus did indeed have wine, but he did not have Patron, mimosas, margaritas, or tequila shots. I’m not saying those things are bad, but the Jesus had wine excuse only covers so much ground.